Tag Archives: women in pain

Public Display of Affection in Europe and India

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a young couple walking in Budapest

Public display of affection is something not seen at all in India. Actually its very strange here. The people who love each other are not supposed to show any physical intimacy in public whereas regular friends can hug each other, hold hands and sometimes kiss on cheeks. Holding hands and hugging is the most common act of physical intimacy seen in India amongst same sex person but it doesn’t mean that they are homosexuals. Its again very strange that homosexuals never want to hold hands, hug or kiss each other in public because homosexuality is very very hidden and homosexual people don’t want to express their sexuality. I have met so many Europeans and Americans who always thought that same sex people holdings hand of each other are homosexual because this is how it works in their world.

a middle aged couple in Vienna

Usually friends do such things and there is no idea making love behind it. If people see a couple kissing or hugging they want to watch it. Holding hands is kind of becoming common and is not kind of issue anymore in big Indian cities. Anyways, I have also grown up in the same culture where I never saw any act of physical intimacy in public. My city gets a lot of western people from all over the world who some time kiss and hug in public so at least people in my city have an idea about it. Every once in a while we see some crazy drunk westerner making love on the street. Making love doesn’t mean having sex but finding a westerner kissing or hugging is not something unknown to the people of Varanasi. Doesn’t matter whether they have seen it or not but they are very well aware of this culture.

an old couple in Vienna

I think that having sex or watching people having sex has always been one of the biggest attractions amongst us humans in our whole history. But the world has changed a lot within past a few decades. There are several countries and cultures where sex is discussed, is opened (doesn’t mean in public: in fact there are places where people can go in groups and have sex but is usually a group activity rather than a public activity), people have a choice and it is seen in a very different way than the it is seen in my culture and country. This idea of watching people making love or just seeing them in their undergarments is very exciting for Indians because we just don’t see such thing happening. And whenever we see someone in such condition, most of the time they are western people.

an old couple in Vienna

I am very well aware that a lot of people go to places like Goa in India just to watch western woman in bikinis. In fact, when I went to Goa first time in my life it was also to watch western girls in bikinis and find cheap alcohol. To be honest most of the woman I saw in Goa were old with ugly bodies:) Still when I see someone kissing on the street my eyes like to stop and watch it. But I usually try to avoid it because I don’t like to disturb people but my mind still talks with me about that picture while I am trying not to watch them. I think situation should be the same with most of the Indians, even the ones who try not to watch people kissing or making love. And I don’t really mind it because we just don’t see such thing happening and foreigners should also learn about these cultural issues before coming here and try to respect and be respected. But at the same time we can’t blame foreigners either because it is very important part of their culture.

a newly married couple in Buda

Anyways, I got to travel to Europe (Hungary, Austria and Slovakia) , in fact anywhere out of India for first time in my life a few weeks ago. Everything was different than what I was used to hence everything was a shock, in fact very interesting shock. I don’t want to discuss about all those things in this post but I would like to discuss the idea of the importance of physical intimacy and public display of affection. I had started seeing couples kissing, holding hands, sitting on the lap, caressing, nestling… as soon as I crossed the immigration area at Delhi airport. The most interesting thing was that very good percentage of Indians were also involved in such act who usually never do such thing in public.

a young couple in Vienna

It seemed like they had planned to do it as soon as they leave India but could not wait for the flight to land:) haha. Maybe they had not planned it together with their partners but they had planned it with themselves for sure. Experience make us feel comfortable and I could easily see that Indians were not comfortable doing what they wanted to and looked completely inexperienced. hahaha. I am sure that they did not want to do sex in public but they just did not know what they were doing. They didn’t seem comfortable even in touching each other but they were trying their best. I am not making fun of those people I saw at the airport but It was really funny and interesting both for a person like me to see them. Because I just don’t see such thing happening in my society by the locals and they had changed their as soon as they crossed immigration area at the airport.

even statues were making love

When I arrived in Europe I saw people kissing and hugging just everywhere even inside a church. They were very comfortable with it and it seemed like it was just not an issue at all. I saw people kissing in the train, at the crossings, shopping malls, restaurants, zoo…just everywhere. It seems like kissing is as important as meat to Europeans. I saw all aged people, literally as young as 14 years old kissing in public. Kissing seems very important to Europeans. Once I saw a young shop keeper smooching her boyfriend in front of the customer and the customer waiting for them to finish.

couples at Szimplakart pub in Budapest

I was very well aware about this culture in Europe years before I went there but I was still surprised when I saw it first and my first few days were shocking for me in terms of seeing people making love on the street. I think I had stopped noticing or watching it after a week or so but it was something which won’t go out of my mind soon. In fact once I was discussing this issue with my host Attila and told him about how I saw Indians involved in physical intimation in public at Delhi airport or in Hungary or other European countries I visited and Attila was so surprised and he asked me why Indians don’t do such things in India also if they like to do it.

men and women dancing together at a cultural event in Kesthai, Budapest

Attila had already spent more than an year and half living in India and he was very well aware of what I was talking about. I did not know how to make him understand but his question was very genuine that why don’t we do it if we like to do it? I knew the answer but it was hard for an European mind to understand. Sex is very very hidden in India, even talking about it with parents and unknown people is something which just doesn’t happen. Everyone does sex but they don’t want to talk about it. I have met so many people, to be honest all of the people all I meet, who find such sexual acts like cunnilingus and several other sex positions very exciting but they never want to admit that they do it with their partners and always relate with something coming from the western world which is very dirty, disgusting and unnatural. haha

temple art in Khajuraho, India

I am sure that everyone does it but they just don’t admit, even when they are talking with their friends. It is again very interesting for me to see why people relate such sexual acts with western world when all of them are mentioned in Kamasutra or if they are present on the temples of Khajuraho and several others all over India. I think we were practicing all of those acts way before western people started talking about it, at least it was very open part of the society thousands of years before the first sex museum was opened in the world or anyone ever tried to document sex in this whole world. Anyways, my issue is about present India so I should about present.

A young couple in Bratislava, Slovakia

I just mean to say that sex is a very very hidden act in India which is one of the reason why we don’t see public display of affection in India. The second biggest reason behind this issue is the safety of woman in India, woman rights issues and in fact safety of couples also who dare to show physical intimacy in public. It was hard for Attila to understand why someone could be upset by watching others kissing but I understand it very well. Anyways, Attila only seemed upset and I could not satisfy him with my answers. The world knows how Shiv Sena was targeting people celebrating Valentines Day in India. If we try to learn how they were protesting against the festival then we can see that they were not actually looking for people celebrating the festival but mostly they were targeting the couples.

In fact kissing is seen as a form of greeting also in western culture. Men are kissing each other in a wedding part for greeting.

They wanted to beat the couples who were found together watching cinema, hanging around in the park or other public places. So it clearly means that they were protesting against the people and not the festival itself. And I know it very well that the all the people who were protesting against the festival either had a partner whom they went out with to celebrate festival the same day or definitely they wanted to have someone. And I personally know so many people from my own city, who were part of the Shiv Sena and were targeting people celebrating the festival, now are either married with the someone whom they loved or they have girlfriend.

a view of Rajdari waterfall from Devdari

Only after a week after I returned from Europe I went to visit a water fall 50 KMs from Varanasi called Raj Dari. This water fall is a very famous picnic spot for people living in Varanasi and nearby districts and hundreds of people visit the fall on Sundays during rainy season. I was there to find rock paintings and to watch people. The whole region of Chandauli district has several sites with ancient rock paintings and tree fossils which are said to be around 1400 million years old. While I was looking for ancient rock paintings I heard a group of people shouting which made me look at them

Couples bathing together in public is no problem in Europe

It was a group of like 15-20 men, all different aged, mostly young who were taking a bath. A young girl who was wearing Punjabi suit was also taking a bath hardly 20 meters away from them. She was with her boy friend and wearing Punjabi suit mean her whole body was covered with cloth. That group of 15 men was taunting at her. They were calling her with the name black panty. And they were doing it repeatedly in front of hundreds of other people who were there. They were taunting such things like- call us also, we are also very good…

usual scene at bathing places in Europe

The couple was doing nothing other than taking a bath, even they were not kissing or doing anything which can be considered as a sexual act. Her dress was also not different than bathing dress of woman in India. I am 100% sure that it happened with her only because she was with her boyfriend. Most probably such thing would have not happened with her if she was with her parents. It happens with woman even when they are with their families as well but it is more likely to face such situation when they are with their boyfriends. The girl was so nervous and uncomfortable with the situation that she came out of the water and walked away from there.

Even when she was walking away another group also joined and they all started taunting at her with vulgar languages. I know that such things are less likely to happen in big cities and one of the biggest reason behind why such happened is because those people were locals and there was no security at all. But the question that raised in my mind was-

  • Does a girl need security if she wants to take a bath at a water fall?
  • Are couples not allowed to be together?
  • What do such people think about the the couples who kiss or hug, do the think that the girl wants to be kissed and hugged by just anyone on the street or do they think that she is a slut?
  • What about freedom to express your feelings?
  • What about constitution of India which allows us to choose our life partner?
  • What about constitution of us human beings which allows us to live and let others live?

a couple in Bratislava, Slovakia

There are thousands of questions but its very sad that because of such practices we just don’t have any answer for them. The bitter truth is that if we try to study the mentality of such people then we find out that if they see a girl doing anything which can be considers a sexual act, even kissing or hugging, the girl is immediately thought to be a slut who is wanting such thing to be done with herself by just anyone. In small Indian cities and villages If a girl is found in relationship with anyone boy then people talk about it and now the whole neighborhood wants to try that girl out.

I don’t know what is right or wrong but it was really upsetting for me to see how that girl was being taunted and abused only because she was with her boyfriend. The radical and nationalist groups in India relate such things with something coming from the western world and we should not allow such things because it is against Indian culture. But I think we as a human have a human culture before we get into any particular country’s culture. Love, hate, emotions, feelings are natural human behavior and it just can’t be stopped. And in any case if something hurts us then we should try to control ourselves first and then think about others.

I still don’t know whether my Indian system is better than what I saw in Europe or not but one thing is very sure that woman are living in very tough condition in India. If we just look at this data it can easily tell the story about woman in India. But one thing I would like say for sure that whatever I saw in Europe looked really lovely and I saw Indians also enjoying it in Europe and missing in their own country. Jai Hind. I got a funny picture online which shows the difference I am trying to talk about-

Caste system in India

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Casteism in Modern India: A Personal Reflection

Casteism has always been a big issue in India. Originally, the caste system was designed as a way to organize society, based on profession rather than birth. It wasn’t meant to divide people permanently. In fact, in the past, caste was flexible — if someone changed their profession, their caste also changed. But over time, people with power altered the system for their own benefit, and now a person’s caste is decided entirely by the caste of their parents. Once you are born a Brahmin, you remain a Brahmin forever, no matter your work or life choices.

Traditionally, different castes had specific roles: Kshatriyas were warriors and rulers, Brahmins were scholars and priests, Vaishyas were traders, and Shudras worked in service professions and farming. In the earliest system, this arrangement was functional and not necessarily oppressive. But the distortion began when kings and higher-caste elites realized that if their children chose different professions, they could lose their social power. To protect their dominance, they declared that caste would be hereditary — fixed by birth. This was the beginning of the rigid, unequal caste hierarchy that continues today.

I was born a Brahmin, but my profession is completely different. By the original rules, I should not be treated as a Brahmin at all — yet society still labels me that way. Honestly, it doesn’t offend me; in fact, I sometimes enjoy the benefits of belonging to a higher caste. But when I think of those born into lower castes, I feel disturbed. Even today, many people who have transformed their lives through education or good jobs are still judged by their caste rather than their achievements.

The reality is harsh: wealth can often protect lower-caste individuals from discrimination, but poverty leaves them exposed to the worst of caste-based cruelty. For example, the former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, a Dalit woman, rose to power and commanded respect from people who would never dare to mistreat her publicly. Yet at the village level, Dalits still face exclusion from public services, discrimination in schools, and social humiliation.

One group I learned about deeply is the Doam community, whose traditional role is helping with cremations. I worked with them three years ago and saw firsthand how badly they are treated. They are considered “untouchable” in society — denied access to common wells, pumps, and even schools. Nobody will accept food or water touched by them. But when I studied Hindu traditions more closely, I realized this stigma is a complete distortion. Hinduism does describe temporary ritual impurity — for example, anyone who attends a funeral becomes untouchable until they bathe. I have experienced this myself many times. But by that logic, Doms should only be untouchable while performing cremation duties — not permanently. Society has twisted this practice into something cruel and irrational.

The cruelty sometimes reaches shocking levels. On 24 September 2010, I read an article in Amar Ujala about a Dalit woman who offered a roti to a dog. The dog’s owner, a Yadav man, became furious and declared his dog “untouchable” because it had eaten food from a Dalit’s hand. A Panchayat meeting was called, and unbelievably, they ruled that the woman had to take ownership of the dog and pay a fine of ₹15,000 to the owner. How could a poor woman afford that? And how could a Panchayat — a government-recognized body with legal power — make such a decision in the first place?

Even worse, when the woman went to file a complaint at the police station, the officers refused to register it and instead scolded her for feeding the dog. She went to the DIG and again her complaint was ignored. Only when she approached the SC/ST DSP office was the case registered — and I am almost certain no real action will be taken. At best, they might hush it up because the media got involved.

Incidents like this shake me. Are we really living in the 21st century India we are so proud of? Is this the same India we call the world’s fastest-growing economy, a rising superpower? Is this the same land of Lord Rama, who lovingly ate food offered by Sabari, a woman from an “untouchable” caste, or bowed to a boatman from a so-called lower community?

Sometimes, it feels like we are stuck in two worlds — one that dreams of becoming a global power, and another that refuses to let go of ancient prejudices.

Times of India also reported this news.

Scanned article of Amar Ujala Hindi newspaper. 24/09/10

Menstrual cycle

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I recently learned something really interesting — the religious idea behind women having their menstrual cycle. I started exploring it because I often hear people say that women are considered “impure” during this time, and there are so many unusual beliefs associated with it. The religious explanation I found has a fascinating story, and although I’m not sure I believe it, I thought it was worth sharing here.

Two Incidents That Made Me Curious

A few weeks ago, two things happened that made me think more deeply about this subject.

The first was about an old Neem tree in my neighborhood that died. I was very sad about it, as it was the only tree in the entire area. While talking about it with friends, one of them told me something shocking: he said a girl whose menstrual cycle was going on had touched the tree, and that was what killed it. I asked him how that could be possible, and he replied that since women are considered extremely impure during their periods, if they touch a plant, it dies.

The second incident happened when I went to an ashram with a girl I was working with. The ashram was run entirely by women, and we went there to schedule interviews. They asked us to return the next day, but as we were leaving, one of the women suddenly asked my colleague if she was on her menstrual cycle. Coincidentally, she was, so she said yes. Immediately, the woman told her not to come back until her cycle was over.

This upset my colleague, and she told me that now she would have to bathe because she had spoken to and touched someone on her period. I found this perspective very strange and didn’t know what to say. Later, I discussed it with a well-educated woman who had deep knowledge of Hinduism, and she shared a story that really caught my attention.

The Story of Indra and the Sin

She explained that once Lord Indra, the king of the gods, committed the grave sin of killing two Brahmins. Because of this sin, Indra lost all of his divine powers. To hide himself, he went into a river and stayed underwater. His guru, Brihaspati, searched for him, eventually found him, and asked why he was hiding. Indra explained everything and begged for a way to be freed from his sin.

Brihaspati told him the only way was to share his sin with others. Indra approached many beings, but none agreed — until finally, four did: a mountain, a tree, a river, and women. Since they accepted part of Indra’s sin, all four were cursed to experience cycles of impurity.

  • Mountains: Parts of them turn reddish once a year, said to symbolize their cycle.

  • Trees: Some trees release a sticky gum or resin at certain times, representing their cycle. This resin is even used in foods for pregnant women.

  • Rivers: Every year, for two months, rivers foam heavily and their currents become stronger. This is considered their cycle, and bathing in rivers during this time is prohibited in Hinduism — except for the Ganga, Yamuna, and Saraswati, which are always pure.

  • Women: Their menstrual cycle is seen as the same curse, which is why they are traditionally considered impure for a few days each month.

Traditions Still Followed

Even today, many families in India follow certain rules during women’s menstrual cycles. Women may not enter the kitchen, touch elders, or sleep on the bed with their husbands. Some do not bathe for the first three days. Among Marwari families, the customs are stricter — women are kept in a separate room and may not come out until the fourth day, after bathing. The utensils they use are purified by passing them through fire, as fire is considered the purest element in Hinduism. Only then are the utensils allowed back in the kitchen.

The woman I spoke with said women should respect these rules and avoid going out or doing heavy physical work during this time. She even criticized modern sanitary pad advertisements for encouraging women to work and play sports during periods. When I asked what happens to women who cannot take leave every month, she paused and said that these rules were made thousands of years ago, when sanitary products did not exist, and working during periods was much harder. She agreed that today, since many women cannot stop working, they should continue — but avoid strenuous labor like lifting weights, jumping, or playing physically demanding sports.

She also said that science supports the idea of rest during menstruation, and that women should treat these days as “God-gifted vacations” every month. But I wondered — how can someone enjoy a vacation if they are not even allowed to leave their room or speak to others? Her final point was that if women do not respect these rules, they may face illness later in life.

My Reflection

I don’t know how much truth there is in these stories, but I find it fascinating that such explanations exist in Hindu texts written thousands of years ago. The imagination and storytelling ability of those writers was truly extraordinary. Whether one believes in them or not, I can’t help but admire their creativity. Hats off to the writers of our sacred texts!

Newly born girl child thrown on the street

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Neetu is a sixteen-year-old girl who lives with one of my relatives in Mau district. Her story begins tragically: she was abandoned in a heap of garbage near the Mau railway station shortly after birth. Despite her desperate cries, no one stepped forward to help her. Fortunately, a relative of mine saw Neetu and couldn’t bear to leave her behind. He picked her up from the garbage and took her to his home. Upon arriving home, he showed Neetu to his wife, who was initially furious. She was already overwhelmed with their seven children—two daughters and five sons—and was not inclined to take on another child.

However, her husband argued that leaving Neetu in the garbage could mean certain death at the hands of an animal. They were initially unsure of Neetu’s gender, mistakenly thinking she was a male baby. When his wife discovered Neetu was a girl, her distress grew, worrying about the future dowry for her marriage. Nevertheless, they eventually decided to keep her. Now, at sixteen years old, Neetu has completed her 10th grade with good marks. My aunt, who had grown fond of Neetu, passed away a few years ago, leaving my uncle to care for her. My uncle, now elderly and retired, is largely neglected by his other children who live far away.

He is fully dependent on Neetu and is proud of his decision to keep her in the family. However, he is deeply concerned about her future, particularly her marriage. He has been searching for a groom for Neetu but has faced repeated rejection. The issue is not her character or education but the stigma associated with her origins. When potential suitors learn that Neetu was found in the garbage, they refuse to marry her. Neetu is being judged and rejected for circumstances beyond her control. My uncle’s dilemma is further compounded by the conservative and male-dominated nature of society in Mau. Despite his willingness to consider even an inter-caste groom, the stigma remains a significant barrier.

In Indian society, where boys are often prioritized over girls, Neetu’s situation highlights the deep-seated gender biases. The preference for male children leads to the tragic reality of female infanticide and the societal pressures faced by families with daughters. There are instances where people are criticized for having only daughters, facing scorn and ridicule, and there is an outdated belief that only males should perform certain rituals, such as carrying a body to the cremation ground. However, times are slowly changing.

I’ve heard of cases where daughters have defied tradition and performed last rites for their fathers, despite the initial shock it may cause. This shift indicates that attitudes are evolving, even if slowly. Hinduism, in its teachings, places women in high regard, but societal practices often fall short of these ideals. I remain hopeful that one day society will overcome these discriminatory attitudes, and girls like Neetu will not face such unjust barriers. I wish Neetu finds happiness and a loving partner, and I hope that the future will see a more equitable treatment of all children, regardless of their gender or circumstances of birth.

Rinki’s good heart and her marriage

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Rinki, my uncle’s daughter, is now 25 years old. Her father has been searching for a groom for the past two years, but finding a match has been challenging. The primary issue is that Rinki had heart valve surgery a few years ago. Despite the fact that she was treated by one of the most renowned doctors in India, who has confirmed that she is in excellent health now, prospective grooms and their families have been hesitant. They are concerned that Rinki might still be unwell or could face future health issues. My uncle has made considerable efforts, approaching numerous families through his own connections, but to no avail.

He is even willing to offer dowry if needed, but no one agrees. My father also tried to find a groom for Rinki in Varanasi. A friend of his recommended a relative who has a Master’s degree in Astrology and works with his father, an astrologer. Initially, everything seemed promising. The groom’s family did not believe in dowry and appeared very accommodating. After meeting with them and discussing the proposal, my father took a photo of the groom to show our family. Everyone liked him, and the decision now rested on Rinki’s approval. My father informed Rinki’s father, who then traveled to Varanasi to meet the groom’s family.

He also liked the groom and agreed to the match. I was asked to send the groom’s photo to my brother in Noida, where Rinki is currently living, so she could see it and give her opinion. Given Rinki’s shy nature and the history of rejections she has faced, I knew she would likely not express any disapproval, even if she had reservations. Rinki did not view the photo but expressed her willingness to marry the groom chosen by her father. We also sent Rinki’s photo and her Kundali (horoscope) to the groom’s side. Everyone was excited about the wedding, which was planned for February.

My mother inquired about what gifts we would give Rinki, and the family was preparing to come to Varanasi for wedding shopping. Everyone was enthusiastic and hopeful. However, today we received disappointing news: the groom’s family has canceled the marriage. They claimed that Rinki is not as educated as the groom, which seemed like an unreasonable excuse. The groom holds a Master’s degree in Astrology, while Rinki has a Bachelor’s degree in Arts. The educational difference is minimal, and Rinki is still young and willing to pursue further education.

The cancellation was disheartening and left me feeling deeply saddened. It’s frustrating when educated people use such excuses, and it makes me question our society’s values. Repeated rejections can make Rinki feel like a burden to her family and cause her to doubt her worth, which is unfair. This situation highlights broader issues within our male-dominated and often uneducated society. It is distressing to see women’s rights continually violated and to witness the immense pressure placed on girls in small towns and villages. They are often presented as mere commodities in the marriage market, subjected to judgments about their appearance and perceived worth, and pressured into dowry arrangements that their families cannot afford.

Our sex ratio in 2001 was 933 girls for every 1,000 boys, and the imbalance continues to worsen. The future seems uncertain, and it is disheartening to think about how long it will take for girls and boys to have equal rights and opportunities.