Monthly Archives: September 2008

Negotiation of dowry

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It was the first time in my life that I heard a family discussing their son’s marriage in such a transactional manner. My neighbor, whose son lives in Delhi after completing his 12th grade studies, is keen to get him married soon. The groom’s mother and grandmother visited our home to inquire if there were any suitable girls in our family. They spoke with my mother about the marriage, and my mother knew a few families looking to marry off their daughters.

The groom is only 26 years old and still a student, pursuing a computer degree. They requested a dowry of Rs. 10,00,000 (US$25,000) in cash, along with household items such as a refrigerator, washing machine, TV, music system, and a bike. Their exact words to my mother were, “We deserve to get back what we have invested in our child’s education.” Hearing a family speak in this way was shocking. It didn’t feel like a marriage proposal; it felt more like a business transaction where they expected a return on their investment with added profit. My mother decided not to consider any of her relatives for this family.

Rs. 10,00,000 is a significant amount for a middle-class Indian family. Most people cannot save such a sum in their entire lives. Furthermore, there is no guarantee that after paying this amount, the groom’s side won’t ask for more. Typically, greedy families continue to demand additional dowry even after the marriage. It’s horrifying to hear about brides being killed over dowry disputes. How can anyone kill a family member over money?

Another issue arises from the competition between sons-in-law. For instance, if a father has two daughters, he is expected to pay the same dowry for both. One of my friends has four brothers. The eldest got married about four years ago, and the second brother married about two years ago. The second brother received a bike as dowry, which the eldest had not. Consequently, the elder brother started pressuring his wife to ask her father for a bike, resulting in her father having to provide additional cash even after four years of marriage.

My cousin also wants a car for his marriage. He works at a travel agency and earns only Rs. 6,000 per month, which isn’t enough to cover the costs of petrol and maintenance for a car, yet he insists on having one. While there are NGOs that organize dowry-free marriages, they are still not widely known or practiced. Dowry remains a major factor contributing to the declining sex ratio in India. Although there are cultural issues at play, they are not as pervasive as the dowry system. I hope to see change in my lifetime, but I’m not sure if it will happen.

Why do people travel?

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In the past month, I met six Couchsurfing members, and I was surprised to find that four of them seemed unclear about the purpose of their travels. They spent most of their time sleeping and relaxing in their guesthouse rooms. Among them were two Germans and two Americans. The German visitors stayed in Benares for four days but didn’t explore much. They missed out on key experiences like Aarti and walks along the ghats, and only briefly watched a funeral without showing much interest in Aarti or Sarnath.

The American travelers were students. One of them was studying Urdu at an institute in Lucknow for a research project on Hindu-Muslim tensions. I was eager to learn more about her research, but unfortunately, I had to leave for Gwalior the day I met her. The other American was learning Hindi with Virendra Singh and had been living in Varanasi for a month. The Urdu student knew about Aarti but was unaware of Sarnath, while the Hindi student knew about Sarnath but hadn’t heard of Aarti. He had never even visited Godaulia, the downtown area of Benares. I’m unsure how he spent his time over the past month.

After finally seeing Aarti, he remarked that it was possibly the most impressive part of Benares for him. Natasha, the Urdu student, also enjoyed Aarti and decided to visit Sarnath the following day. Swami Vivekananda once said that if you have free time, traveling is a great way to utilize it because it allows you to learn about different cultures, engage with people, and make the world a better place. I believe that travel should be about learning and experiencing new things, but the individuals I met seemed to be traveling merely because they had extra time and money, or perhaps to boast about their travels. They could have gained similar knowledge and insights by spending time online in their own countries. I’m still puzzled about their real purpose for traveling.

Rinki’s good heart and her marriage

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Rinki, my uncle’s daughter, is now 25 years old. Her father has been searching for a groom for the past two years, but finding a match has been challenging. The primary issue is that Rinki had heart valve surgery a few years ago. Despite the fact that she was treated by one of the most renowned doctors in India, who has confirmed that she is in excellent health now, prospective grooms and their families have been hesitant. They are concerned that Rinki might still be unwell or could face future health issues. My uncle has made considerable efforts, approaching numerous families through his own connections, but to no avail.

He is even willing to offer dowry if needed, but no one agrees. My father also tried to find a groom for Rinki in Varanasi. A friend of his recommended a relative who has a Master’s degree in Astrology and works with his father, an astrologer. Initially, everything seemed promising. The groom’s family did not believe in dowry and appeared very accommodating. After meeting with them and discussing the proposal, my father took a photo of the groom to show our family. Everyone liked him, and the decision now rested on Rinki’s approval. My father informed Rinki’s father, who then traveled to Varanasi to meet the groom’s family.

He also liked the groom and agreed to the match. I was asked to send the groom’s photo to my brother in Noida, where Rinki is currently living, so she could see it and give her opinion. Given Rinki’s shy nature and the history of rejections she has faced, I knew she would likely not express any disapproval, even if she had reservations. Rinki did not view the photo but expressed her willingness to marry the groom chosen by her father. We also sent Rinki’s photo and her Kundali (horoscope) to the groom’s side. Everyone was excited about the wedding, which was planned for February.

My mother inquired about what gifts we would give Rinki, and the family was preparing to come to Varanasi for wedding shopping. Everyone was enthusiastic and hopeful. However, today we received disappointing news: the groom’s family has canceled the marriage. They claimed that Rinki is not as educated as the groom, which seemed like an unreasonable excuse. The groom holds a Master’s degree in Astrology, while Rinki has a Bachelor’s degree in Arts. The educational difference is minimal, and Rinki is still young and willing to pursue further education.

The cancellation was disheartening and left me feeling deeply saddened. It’s frustrating when educated people use such excuses, and it makes me question our society’s values. Repeated rejections can make Rinki feel like a burden to her family and cause her to doubt her worth, which is unfair. This situation highlights broader issues within our male-dominated and often uneducated society. It is distressing to see women’s rights continually violated and to witness the immense pressure placed on girls in small towns and villages. They are often presented as mere commodities in the marriage market, subjected to judgments about their appearance and perceived worth, and pressured into dowry arrangements that their families cannot afford.

Our sex ratio in 2001 was 933 girls for every 1,000 boys, and the imbalance continues to worsen. The future seems uncertain, and it is disheartening to think about how long it will take for girls and boys to have equal rights and opportunities.

Tour guide exam result

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The results for the tour guide exam have finally been declared, and I passed! The exam was held on August 26, 2007, and the results were announced on November 7, 2008, after more than a year. The government faced numerous challenges during this period, including four lawsuits from applicants on various grounds, but everything is now settled. Out of over 50,000 applicants, only 300 passed the exam, and I secured the 223rd rank. One notable observation from the results is that only eight women passed the exam.

This could be attributed to two factors: either parents are still reluctant to allow their daughters to work away from home, or women may feel insecure about such jobs. Indian girls in small cities are often highly qualified, pursuing higher education in fields like history or languages, which are well-suited for this profession. Despite the high demand for female tour guides, the number of successful female candidates remains low. I am now set to begin a sixteen-week training program, which includes fourteen weeks of classroom instruction and two weeks of touring various monuments in North India with a professor.

After completing this training and tour, another exam will be conducted. Those who pass the exam will undergo an interview, and upon successful completion, a tour guide license will be issued. This training is part of the preparations for the Commonwealth Games in 2010, so it seems likely that the government will not delay the start of the training. However, given the unpredictable nature of government processes, there might still be unforeseen delays. Despite this, I am excited about the training and eager to obtain my license so I can start working as a tour guide as soon as possible.

Flood in Bihar 2008

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The situation in Bihar is now dire and completely out of control. Over 4 million people have been affected by the floods, and the Indian government seems to be doing nothing to address the crisis. I have witnessed scenes of immense suffering: people fighting for food, crying, and the carcasses of animals scattered around. The scale of the devastation is unlike anything I have ever seen. The affected people are without food, shelter, and medicine, and there is no adequate relief effort in sight. Experts estimate that it will take at least 4 to 5 months for the situation to stabilize, followed by a likely surge in diseases and poverty.

In one relief camp, I saw a chaotic scene where more than 50 people fought over a single packet of roasted garbanzo. In the end, no one managed to get any of it; the packet burst open, and the garbanzo scattered on the ground. People walked over it and some tried to collect as much as they could, hoping it might help them survive. When government officials brought a packet of food, hundreds were already waiting, making the relief effort seem inadequate and poorly managed. One particularly heartbreaking sight was a family who had to drown their cow in the floodwaters because they could no longer afford to feed it.

In a deeply emotional and traditional ceremony, they decorated the cow, performed a puja, and then released it into the floodwaters where it quickly drowned. The family wept and voiced their anger at the government for their plight. Meanwhile, the Indian government is investing heavily in projects like the Delhi Metro, preparing for the Commonwealth Games 2010, and constructing new stadiums and roads. While these are significant investments, they seem misplaced when compared to the urgent need to address the crisis in Bihar. It feels as though the government is prioritizing showy projects over the immediate need to provide resources and save lives.

The funds would be better spent on providing relief and support to the millions suffering in Bihar rather than on extravagant projects that do not address the pressing issues faced by those in need.