Tag Archives: dowry

Sudden request for dowry

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It is one of my relative’s wedding in the last week of May. The bride is a graduate student and the groom works for a CA (charted accountant) in Lucknow. The bride’s father has a small saree business so not much money. The marriage was arranged by some relative of the bride. This marriage is very traditional and everything is being done according to Hindu religion. The groom and his family seemed so nice to me when I first met them because when the bride’s father asked about dowry, the groom’s father said that it was not an issue for them.

I really liked that decision. But right before a few days right before tilak (the day when the bride’s family goes to the groom’s family and some rituals are done), the groom’s family started asking for dowry. They wanted Rs. 51,000 cash, a motorbike, jeweleries, clothes, refrigerator, TV, bed and a lot of other things. I knew that the bride’s parents did not have enough money to give that much dowry but did not say that they could not afford it. They promised to give this much dowry but I knew that it would be hard for the bride’s family to arrange it.

I was talking with the bride and she told me that she talked about it with the groom and groom said that he did not want anything at all, no demand. All these demands were made by his father and he could not do anything to reduce this dowry. The bride seemed so sad when talking about dowry and I also did not like this at all. I  see the bride’s father somehow trying to arrange everything but I know that it would be very hard for him to arrange everything.

After a few days of the tilak, the groom’s father called the bride’s father and said that the groom had already bought a motorbike so there was no need to give a motorbike but they wanted cash instead of the motorbike. The bride’s father said that if the groom already had a motorbike then why were they asking for cash but the groom’s father said that they wanted either a motorbike or cash instead of it. After paying all of this dowry, the bride’s family has to arrange a party which will cost at least Rs. 1,50,000. So the total cost of this wedding will be close to Rs. 3,00,000 which is kind of impossible for the bride’s family.

There are so many cases where brides were burnt alive a few months right after the marriage only because their parents could not give enough of the dowry which was asked by the groom’s family. I have heard of many cases where the groom’s family tortured the bride even though their demand was fulfilled and finally the bride was burnt alive or killed in some way. Many times the bride’s themselves commit suicide because of the torture. Many times even after facing all the tortures, some brides do not inform other people about it or do not go to the police because they think that if they go to the police and if the police take any legal action against the groom’s family, it would look very bad for them in society.

I never understand if such marriages are marriages or they just like a business settlement where one party always loses everything. It would make sense to me if the dowry was given by the groom’s family but bride’s family, why? They give their daughter who will take care of the groom’s family for her whole life; is it not enough? Is it cheaper than a motorbike or Rs. 51,000 cash? So many questions and it is painful to see how this system is getting stronger and stronger. Now people want more and more dowry. I know many people do not want to have a daughter because they are afraid of dowry. I don’t know when such things will change or if they will ever change or not, but it must change if we want to see real happy and developed world.

Who actually gets married? A motorbike dowry story.

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A question that has always been on my mind is: who actually gets married—the bride and groom or their families? It’s common to hear about weddings, but sometimes the stories surrounding them make me question who is really getting married—the couple or their families. I recently attended my cousin’s wedding, which was a traditional village wedding, quite different from the more modern weddings in Indian cities. I was particularly interested in the concept of dowry, so I asked my cousins about it. One cousin shared a surprising story about the dowry.

The bride’s family was required to give a motorbike as part of the dowry. They asked the groom which motorbike he preferred, and he chose a Bajaj Platina. The bride’s family purchased this bike about two months before the wedding. However, after buying the bike, they informed my cousin’s family of their choice. My uncle, however, didn’t like the Bajaj Platina and preferred a Hero Honda bike. He insisted that the bride’s family return the Bajaj bike and buy a Hero Honda instead. Since the bride’s family had already paid for the Bajaj Platina, it was difficult for them to return it and get their money back.

They explained that the groom had specifically requested the Bajaj Platina, which is why they bought it. But my uncle argued that they should have consulted him instead of the groom. Since the groom works in Korba, a city about 30 hours away by train from our village, my uncle said the bike would not be used by the groom and should be used by him instead. To resolve the issue, the bride’s family involved the bride. They asked her to tell the groom’s siblings that she preferred the Bajaj bike over the Honda, hoping to convince my uncle.

Despite her efforts, my uncle refused to accept the Bajaj bike. He insisted that it should be a Hero Honda, which was his choice. Eventually, the bride’s family had to pay a penalty, return the Bajaj bike, and buy the Hero Honda. This bike was neither the groom’s nor the bride’s choice; it was simply my uncle’s preference. The bride’s family lost about Rs. 10,000 in the process. It was astonishing to see how the bride and groom had no control over their own wedding. Why ask for a bike if it wouldn’t be used by either the bride or groom? Who was really getting married—the bride and groom or my uncle? I saw my uncle driving the new bike the day after the wedding. I wonder when the bride will get to use the bike her father purchased for her.

After the wedding, the bride moved into the groom’s village house but stayed there while he returned to his work in Korba. I asked my cousin about this, and he explained that village tradition requires the bride to live with her in-laws for at least two years after the wedding. So now, while the groom is in Korba, the bride is left in the village, managing household chores and taking care of her in-laws. At just 19 years old, the bride would have loved to move to Korba with her husband. Instead, she is stuck in the village, where she spends her time cooking, cleaning, and looking after her in-laws. She would have preferred to continue her studies, which would have been easier if she lived with her husband in Korba. I hope that someday, these traditions will change and women in India will have equal rights. For now, though, there is hope for a better future.

Group wedding of 32 poor couples

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Lok Samiti organized another group wedding for 32 underprivileged couples on May 10th this year. It was a grand event, with over 8,000 attendees. I arrived around 1 PM and saw families bustling with preparations for the wedding, everyone was brimming with excitement. The wedding was held at a Hanuman Temple near Rajatalab, Varanasi. Given the temple’s limited space, the event was set up in an open area behind the temple. They had erected a tent with a beautifully decorated stage for the couples.

Lok Samiti also arranged food for the attendees of the wedding. The main objective of organizing a group wedding is to eliminate dowry practices and assist underprivileged individuals in getting married. Since the wedding is officially registered and managed by Lok Samiti, the groom’s family is legally bound by a document that prohibits them from demanding any dowry from the bride’s family, either now or in the future. I find this approach commendable. All the couples who married under these conditions were so impoverished that they would have been unable to afford a wedding on their own.

Lok Samiti gave bicycles to all the grooms and sewing machines to the brides so that they can be self dependent. Actually a lot of people come to Varanasi city area from the villages to work and the idea behind giving bicycles is that these people can use theses bicycles to come to Varanasi and work. The same idea is behind giving sewing machines as well, that the brides could do some sewing work and make some money. A lot of people from different parts of India and abroad had donated money to make this noble event true. I was responsible to bring some foreign donation.

Lok Samiti’s members had been collecting donations for the past three months and, ultimately, they raised a total of Rs. 2,60,000, which included cash, grains, clothes, and other items. The MP from the Rajatalab area was the largest donor, contributing Rs. 66,000, while his wife was the second-largest donor, providing sarees worth Rs. 15,000. Many others also made generous contributions, giving a variety of gifts and supplies. I was also encouraged to contribute, but unfortunately, I was unable to due to the current economic situation and a lack of work. Last year, I had donated clocks to all the couples on behalf of Sanjeevani Booti.

Lok Samiti appointed representatives in various villages to find individuals interested in participating in the group wedding. These representatives approached villagers to gauge interest and initially selected the men. They then informed these men about the available women and facilitated introductions between their families to arrange the marriages. I heard that some of the couples had traveled from other districts. The couples varied widely in age; some appeared to be over 40, while others seemed as young as 15 or 16. However, Lok Samiti assured that they only select participants who are over 18.

Lok Samiti had initially organized the group wedding for 30 couples, but there were concerns that not all 30 might be present. In the end, however, not only did all 30 couples show up, but two additional couples also decided to get married on the spot. These two new couples selected their partners from among the guests and informed Nandlal Master, the President of Lok Samiti. Although Lok Samiti had prepared only 30 specially designed wedding chairs, they quickly arranged for two additional regular chairs to accommodate the extra couples, ensuring that all 32 couples could be married.

This group wedding was somewhat different from a traditional Hindu wedding. Instead of the usual rituals, the ceremony began with the couples adorning each other with flower garlands. The grooms applied sindoor to the brides’ heads, and the couples then held hands as a symbol of their lasting relationship. Instead of the traditional fire ritual, they circled the Hanuman temple seven times. After completing these key elements, the families were free to carry out any additional rituals or customs they wished. Once the seven circles around the temple were completed, the couples returned to the tent to continue with the remaining ceremonies.

It was truly enjoyable and fascinating. This year’s wedding felt more progressive from the brides’ perspective, as all the brides were asked to unveil their faces. In last year’s event, the brides had their faces covered with their sarees. Although the brides initially appeared on stage with their faces covered, Lok Samiti later instructed them to reveal their faces. It was quite a sight to see 32 couples getting married simultaneously. Overall, my experience was positive, though there were a few aspects that puzzled me. For instance, I noticed some brides seemed to be sleeping, which gave the impression that they were either uninterested in the marriage or that the ceremony held little significance for them.

Lok Samiti is planning to organize a group wedding for 51 couples again next year on May 10th. They have chosen this date because it is the wedding anniversary of the MP (Member of Parliament) from the Rajatalab area. Since he is always the largest donor and a key supporter of this event, they have decided to hold the wedding on this date annually. I’m excited for next year and look forward to seeing all the brides and grooms excited, joyful, and fully awake.

Dowry in Indian Marriages

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My cousin is set to get married, likely in December this year. A relative of mine, who works permanently at a bank, is deeply involved in arranging marriages. He knows several families looking to marry off their children and suggested to my uncle that his son should marry one of his relative’s daughters. The bride is pursuing a master’s degree at the Sanskrit University, while my cousin works for a travel agency in Delhi. My cousin has always been eager to get married, and now it seems his dream is coming true. Neither the bride nor the groom had met before this arrangement.

They were introduced briefly when my cousin visited Varanasi a few days ago, and that was the extent of their interaction. My cousin liked the bride upon seeing her and decided she was the one for him. The engagement took place yesterday. A few days prior to the engagement, my cousin mentioned that the bride might not be well-suited for Delhi, given her education in Varanasi through the Sanskrit board. Nevertheless, he was determined to marry her, partly because she has only one other sister. He seemed most excited about the prospect of inheriting property.

He mentioned that after the bride’s father passes away, he and the husband of the other sister would inherit all the assets. He was particularly thrilled about the prospect of owning a house in Varanasi. When I estimated the cost of such a house to be around five hundred thousand rupees, he was even more delighted. He joked that the bride’s worth was at least two hundred fifty thousand rupees currently, and that her value would increase over time. He speculated on how long her father might live—five years, ten years, fifteen years—and anticipated that he would get half of the property upon the father’s death.

The engagement was unusual because neither the bride nor the groom attended. Only the families met to complete the formalities. The bride’s father provided Rs. 10,000 ($200), along with some fruits, sweets, and a suit for the groom. The wedding is scheduled for December 12, at which time the remainder of the dowry will be given. This includes Rs. 50,000 in cash, a gold chain for the groom, five pieces of gold jewelry, clothing for the bride, and household items like a bed, refrigerator, wardrobe, TV, and music system. The bride’s family will provide these on the wedding day, having already given Rs. 10,000 in advance, leaving a balance of Rs. 40,000.

The groom requested cash instead of household items because, although the wedding will be in Varanasi, he lives in Delhi and has already purchased some furnishings like a TV and a bed. He plans to use the cash from the bride’s family to cover wedding expenses, meaning he won’t have to spend from his own funds, while the bride’s family will bear the significant costs. The bride’s father is a retired municipal employee who worked as a temporary staff member for most of his career, earning approximately Rs. 2,000-3,000 per month. He became a permanent employee in 1999 and retired in 2008, so he only earned a decent salary for about nine years.

I suspect he will use a substantial portion of his savings for this wedding. Although my cousin has already bought some household items, he still requested cash. This wedding feels more like a commercial transaction than a union of two individuals, where one party gains significantly while the other bears the financial burden and even harbors resentment. Dowry remains a significant issue in India and is a major factor in the declining sex ratio. I once believed that a decreasing sex ratio might lead to a reduction in dowry demands, but the situation hasn’t improved. The ratio of girls continues to fall, and dowry demands are rising. Some joke that grooms will eventually have to pay dowry due to the shortage of girls, but from what I see with people like my cousin, this joke may remain just that—a joke.

Life of an Indian Woman

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Nisha, my neighbor, moved into the neighborhood four years ago after marrying my friend’s brother. She’s also a friend of my wife’s. My wife told me that Nisha’s life before marriage was incredibly difficult. Her parents were very poor. A cousin, a government employee, would help Nisha’s family, but not out of familial obligation. Instead, he used this as leverage to sexually abuse her. He forced himself on her, threatening to stop helping her family if she resisted. Nisha was terrified and helpless. Even in front of friends, her cousin would harass her.

She could only cry and submit to his demands. This abuse continued for years, both before and after her marriage, whenever she visited her family. Now, her cousin blackmails her, threatening to tell her husband about their past if she doesn’t continue the abuse. Fear of her husband finding out keeps Nisha from cutting ties with her family. My wife told me this story, but I also witnessed firsthand what happened to Nisha after her marriage, as she lives nearby and is my friend’s sister-in-law. Immediately after the wedding, she faced immense pressure for dowry. Her husband would beat her and demand money from her family, but her parents were too poor to help.

Despite the abuse, she refused to ask her parents for money. Her mother-in-law would also mistreat her, denying her husband the right to sleep with her. They lived in separate rooms until the mother-in-law passed away. Nisha was responsible for all household chores, including cooking, cleaning, and laundry, while enduring constant abuse. She couldn’t even share a bed with her husband. Eventually, the stress took a toll on her mental health, but her husband neglected her. He sent her back to her parents’ home, where she stayed for six to seven months recovering. During this time, she was again abused by her cousin. When Nisha returned to her husband’s family, her problems were far from over. The beatings continued, and her husband persisted in demanding money from her parents.

The passing of her mother-in-law marked the end of one challenge, but the beginning of another. Nisha’s sister-in-law stepped into her mother-in-law’s role, treating her with similar cruelty. However, unlike her mother-in-law, she didn’t interfere with Nisha’s relationship with her husband. Nisha eventually gave birth to a son, which likely provided her with some relief. Had she given birth to a daughter, the situation could have been dire. Her abusive husband might have rejected a female child. It’s possible that she underwent a prenatal ultrasound to determine the baby’s sex, given her family’s history of harmful actions.

Nisha’s son is now one year old, but her sister-in-law continues to interfere. She tries to alienate Nisha from her child, keeping the baby busy and preventing Nisha from bonding with him. Nisha’s other sister-in-law plays a similar role, constantly engaging with the baby and providing care. Nisha longs to see her baby, but her husband and sister-in-law prevent her from doing so. About seven months ago, when the baby was only five months old, Nisha’s husband sent the child to his other sister in Delhi. Despite still breastfeeding, Nisha was abruptly forced to stop. The engorgement caused her immense pain, and she cried out in agony.

She desperately wanted her baby to feed, but he was far away. Her husband was absent at the time. Neighbors heard her cries and rushed her to the hospital. By the time she arrived, she had fainted. The doctor insisted that she breastfeed immediately, warning that the engorgement could be fatal. Concerned neighbors contacted Nisha’s husband, hoping for his cooperation. Instead, he began beating her in the hospital. The doctor recommended admitting Nisha to relieve the engorgement, but her husband refused. He called his sister, who had the baby in Delhi.

Her husband’s abuse escalated. Nisha suggested that he ask the doctor to stop her milk production, hoping to end the pain. Reluctantly, he agreed, and the doctor took steps to suppress her lactation. However, the pain persisted. The doctor urged Nisha’s husband to admit her to the hospital, but he refused. Instead, he brought her home and continued to abuse her. She was locked in a room for days without any medical care. All she could do was cry. Nisha’s husband and sister-in-law want the baby to forget his mother so they can keep him and force Nisha out of the family. They intentionally torture her, hoping she will leave, die, or disappear.

Nisha has lost all hope. She can’t even return to her impoverished parents. Neighbors are concerned and want to intervene, but Nisha forbids them, fearing that her family would retaliate violently. Nisha’s situation is dire, and something must be done. This is a clear consequence of our cultural bias that prioritizes males over females. While Hinduism traditionally respects women, this reverence has been eroded over time. Even young girls are revered in certain rituals. Our culture values women highly, but the implementation of this respect has faltered.

India is often touted as a developing nation, but this development is incomplete without gender equality. The progress of only male-dominated sectors is insufficient. Despite having a large number of professional women, which is a significant achievement, the reality remains bleak in many areas. In states like Haryana, Uttar Pradesh, and Bihar, the female sex ratio continues to decline. I hope for change, but it may be beyond my lifetime.

Negotiation of dowry

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It was the first time in my life that I heard a family discussing their son’s marriage in such a transactional manner. My neighbor, whose son lives in Delhi after completing his 12th grade studies, is keen to get him married soon. The groom’s mother and grandmother visited our home to inquire if there were any suitable girls in our family. They spoke with my mother about the marriage, and my mother knew a few families looking to marry off their daughters.

The groom is only 26 years old and still a student, pursuing a computer degree. They requested a dowry of Rs. 10,00,000 (US$25,000) in cash, along with household items such as a refrigerator, washing machine, TV, music system, and a bike. Their exact words to my mother were, “We deserve to get back what we have invested in our child’s education.” Hearing a family speak in this way was shocking. It didn’t feel like a marriage proposal; it felt more like a business transaction where they expected a return on their investment with added profit. My mother decided not to consider any of her relatives for this family.

Rs. 10,00,000 is a significant amount for a middle-class Indian family. Most people cannot save such a sum in their entire lives. Furthermore, there is no guarantee that after paying this amount, the groom’s side won’t ask for more. Typically, greedy families continue to demand additional dowry even after the marriage. It’s horrifying to hear about brides being killed over dowry disputes. How can anyone kill a family member over money?

Another issue arises from the competition between sons-in-law. For instance, if a father has two daughters, he is expected to pay the same dowry for both. One of my friends has four brothers. The eldest got married about four years ago, and the second brother married about two years ago. The second brother received a bike as dowry, which the eldest had not. Consequently, the elder brother started pressuring his wife to ask her father for a bike, resulting in her father having to provide additional cash even after four years of marriage.

My cousin also wants a car for his marriage. He works at a travel agency and earns only Rs. 6,000 per month, which isn’t enough to cover the costs of petrol and maintenance for a car, yet he insists on having one. While there are NGOs that organize dowry-free marriages, they are still not widely known or practiced. Dowry remains a major factor contributing to the declining sex ratio in India. Although there are cultural issues at play, they are not as pervasive as the dowry system. I hope to see change in my lifetime, but I’m not sure if it will happen.

Rinki’s good heart and her marriage

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Rinki, my uncle’s daughter, is now 25 years old. Her father has been searching for a groom for the past two years, but finding a match has been challenging. The primary issue is that Rinki had heart valve surgery a few years ago. Despite the fact that she was treated by one of the most renowned doctors in India, who has confirmed that she is in excellent health now, prospective grooms and their families have been hesitant. They are concerned that Rinki might still be unwell or could face future health issues. My uncle has made considerable efforts, approaching numerous families through his own connections, but to no avail.

He is even willing to offer dowry if needed, but no one agrees. My father also tried to find a groom for Rinki in Varanasi. A friend of his recommended a relative who has a Master’s degree in Astrology and works with his father, an astrologer. Initially, everything seemed promising. The groom’s family did not believe in dowry and appeared very accommodating. After meeting with them and discussing the proposal, my father took a photo of the groom to show our family. Everyone liked him, and the decision now rested on Rinki’s approval. My father informed Rinki’s father, who then traveled to Varanasi to meet the groom’s family.

He also liked the groom and agreed to the match. I was asked to send the groom’s photo to my brother in Noida, where Rinki is currently living, so she could see it and give her opinion. Given Rinki’s shy nature and the history of rejections she has faced, I knew she would likely not express any disapproval, even if she had reservations. Rinki did not view the photo but expressed her willingness to marry the groom chosen by her father. We also sent Rinki’s photo and her Kundali (horoscope) to the groom’s side. Everyone was excited about the wedding, which was planned for February.

My mother inquired about what gifts we would give Rinki, and the family was preparing to come to Varanasi for wedding shopping. Everyone was enthusiastic and hopeful. However, today we received disappointing news: the groom’s family has canceled the marriage. They claimed that Rinki is not as educated as the groom, which seemed like an unreasonable excuse. The groom holds a Master’s degree in Astrology, while Rinki has a Bachelor’s degree in Arts. The educational difference is minimal, and Rinki is still young and willing to pursue further education.

The cancellation was disheartening and left me feeling deeply saddened. It’s frustrating when educated people use such excuses, and it makes me question our society’s values. Repeated rejections can make Rinki feel like a burden to her family and cause her to doubt her worth, which is unfair. This situation highlights broader issues within our male-dominated and often uneducated society. It is distressing to see women’s rights continually violated and to witness the immense pressure placed on girls in small towns and villages. They are often presented as mere commodities in the marriage market, subjected to judgments about their appearance and perceived worth, and pressured into dowry arrangements that their families cannot afford.

Our sex ratio in 2001 was 933 girls for every 1,000 boys, and the imbalance continues to worsen. The future seems uncertain, and it is disheartening to think about how long it will take for girls and boys to have equal rights and opportunities.

Group Wedding in Varanasi

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Lok Samiti organized a group wedding for 30 impoverished couples in Varanasi with the aim of providing security for the brides and promoting dowry-free marriages. All the couples were so poor that they could not afford a wedding on their own. Typically, the groom’s side demands dowry, but in this event, no dowry was allowed. Instead, all gifts for the brides and grooms were provided by Lok Samiti and other donors. I was invited by Nandlal Master and asked to contribute. Seeing the event as an excellent opportunity for my NGO, Sanjeevni Booti, I decided to participate.

With around 10,000 people expected to attend, I discussed with Lane about contributing gifts and conducting a survey on AIDS awareness among the villagers. We decided to give clocks as gifts because they are long-lasting and frequently seen. Lane had initial concerns about the ethics of giving clocks but eventually agreed with the idea. Lane covered all the expenses, including the clocks, pamphlets, survey sheets, and travel costs. I bought 30 clocks and had Sanjeevni Booti’s name printed on each one. We packed them with a pamphlet about AIDS in each packet. I asked Raju and Sonu, fellow members of Sanjeevni Booti, to assist with the event. Raju, who was busy with his job, agreed to help for a day’s pay, while Bablu could not be persuaded.

On the day of the wedding, Raju, Sonu, and I arrived at the venue. Lok Samiti members were busy decorating the stage, arranging chairs, and preparing flowers. They had also organized food for over 10,000 people. The preparations had been ongoing for a month, with chefs preparing sweets for a week. Numerous political leaders, social workers, and donors were present. The wife of Mehndiganj’s block representative contributed 30 Benaresi sarees for the brides. Lok Samiti invited the grooms and brides onto the stage. Although 30 couples were scheduled to marry, two were unable to attend, so 28 couples participated.

They exchanged garlands, completing the marriage formalities. Nandlal Master then presented a document for the couples to sign—many were uneducated and simply thumb-printed the paper. Nandlal read the document aloud, stating that the couples pledged never to fight, to live together, and that no dowry would be demanded. Any breach would result in legal action by Lok Samiti. Afterward, the couples proceeded to a nearby Shiva temple for the final rites. Traditionally, Hindu weddings involve walking around a sacred fire, but in this case, the couples circled the Shiva temple instead, with Shiva standing as witness to the marriage.

The wedding concluded with the distribution of gifts. I handed out the clocks with Raju, Sonu, and our driver. Other gifts included sarees, watches, pots, and additional items. Lok Samiti provided each bride with a sewing machine and each groom with a bicycle, believing these items would help the couples become financially independent in the future. Amanda, my American friend, also contributed a sewing machine and two boxes of refined oil. It was a memorable experience to see 30 couples marry simultaneously on the same stage.

I found it particularly interesting that three of the brides appeared to be sleeping on stage, which seemed unusual for a wedding. Nandlal Master mentioned that Lok Samiti plans to organize similar group weddings in the future, with 51 couples expected next year. I appreciated the way Lok Samiti handled the event, ensuring everything was formalized on paper, which should help prevent dowry demands and ensure the brides’ security.