Tag Archives: marriage

Sudden request for dowry

Posted on by
6

One of my relatives is getting married in the last week of May. The bride is a graduate student, and the groom works with a chartered accountant in Lucknow. The bride’s father runs a small saree business, so the family does not have much money. The marriage was arranged by one of their relatives. It is a very traditional wedding, with everything being done according to Hindu customs. When I first met the groom and his family, they seemed very nice. In fact, when the bride’s father asked about dowry, the groom’s father said it was not an issue for them. I really appreciated that response.

However, just a few days before the tilak ceremony (a ritual where the bride’s family visits the groom’s family), things changed. The groom’s family suddenly began demanding dowry. They asked for ₹51,000 in cash, a motorbike, jewelry, clothes, a refrigerator, a TV, a bed, and several other items. I knew very well that the bride’s parents could not afford this, but instead of refusing, they promised to give it—though arranging it would be extremely difficult for them.

Later, when I spoke with the bride, she told me she had discussed it with the groom. He assured her that he personally did not want anything at all and that the demands were entirely his father’s decision. He said he could not do anything to stop it. The bride looked very sad while talking about it, and I felt the same. I saw her father desperately trying to arrange everything, though I knew it was beyond his means. A few days after the tilak, the groom’s father called the bride’s father again and said that since the groom had already bought a motorbike, they no longer needed one—but they wanted cash in place of it.

When the bride’s father questioned why they still demanded money if the motorbike was already bought, the groom’s father insisted that they either wanted a motorbike or cash in exchange. On top of all this dowry, the bride’s family also has to arrange a wedding reception that will cost at least ₹1,50,000. Altogether, the expenses will come close to ₹3,00,000—an impossible amount for the bride’s family. Unfortunately, stories like this are not rare. There are countless cases in which brides are tortured or even burnt alive because their parents could not provide the dowry demanded by the groom’s family.

Sometimes, even after fulfilling the demands, brides continue to be harassed until they break down completely. Many end up taking their own lives. Yet, in many cases, brides remain silent, fearing that going to the police or taking legal action would bring shame to their family in society. I often wonder whether such marriages are truly marriages or just business deals—deals where one side always loses everything. Why is it always the bride’s family who must pay? They are already giving their daughter, who will devote her entire life to the groom’s family. Is that not worth more than a motorbike or ₹51,000 in cash?

It is heartbreaking to see how the dowry system is not weakening but becoming stronger. Families now demand more and more. Many people do not even want daughters anymore, because they fear the burden of dowry. I don’t know when this will change—or if it ever will—but it must change if we want to build a truly happy and developed society.

Music in Islam

Posted on by
Reply

I made a lot of new friends while staying in Gwalior for tour guide training, and two of them were Muslims. One of them, with whom I shared an apartment, is a doctoral student from JNU. He comes from a very small village in Bihar’s Sitamarhi district. He completed his schooling in Sitamarhi, then moved to Aligarh Muslim University for his B.A., and is now pursuing his Ph.D. at JNU. He works as a Spanish escort and earns a good income. He has a deep passion for music, and a substantial portion of his computer hard drive is filled with music files.

He played music constantly, and I noticed a large music system in his hostel room at JNU. He is set to marry in December, and he and his brother, who also lives in JNU, were discussing how to arrange the music for the wedding. They wanted a band for the wedding parade and music for the reception, but Islam forbids it, and his family and neighbors are very strict followers of Islamic traditions. He told me that in his village, playing any kind of music is forbidden. If someone is caught playing music, the villagers would yell at them and stop the music immediately. If he were to play music, people would criticize him for engaging in such a “bad” practice despite his education and Ph.D. Music is a serious issue in his village.

I listened to him and his brother discuss this for over an hour, and they couldn’t come up with a solution for including music at the wedding. I suggested that change often happens in society and perhaps this could be an opportunity for him to bring about change, but he felt it was nearly impossible to change deeply ingrained traditions in his community. I’ve never attended a Muslim wedding myself, but I’ve seen a few from the outside and noticed that they did include music. He explained that rules are enforced by influential people, and if they break them, it’s overlooked.

However, if ordinary people break these rules, it causes problems. He said that while wealthy Muslims can enjoy music, dances, and alcohol, the general Muslim population is restricted from these pleasures. When I asked how ordinary people view the rich Muslims who break these rules, he said they are seen as being out of touch with their community. Music is respected in many cultures around the world. In Hinduism, for example, Saraswati is the goddess of music, and people perform rituals with their musical instruments. It’s hard for me to imagine a wedding without music. Hindu weddings are lively, with plenty of music and dancing.

I’ve also heard that Christian weddings can be somewhat subdued, but I’m sure they include music. Music is enjoyable and even has proven health benefits according to scientific research. I respect people’s beliefs, but this issue is difficult for me to grasp. Many Mughal emperors, like Akbar, were great patrons of music. Tansen, one of the Nine Jewels of Akbar’s court, was a renowned musician. I conducted research by discussing the topic with Muslims and exploring online resources to determine Islam’s stance on music. To my surprise, I discovered that Islam indeed considers music to be haram and sinful. It seems like anything that makes the living creatures happy is prohibited in Islam but this rule does apply on the rich as said by my friend.

Behavior of ghosts in villages

Posted on by
Reply

I have always been intrigued by people who believe they are affected by ghosts and who go to great lengths, such as visiting babas or exorcists, to rid themselves of these supposed spirits. I’ve wanted to learn more from individuals who claim to have been haunted by ghosts or who have had ghostly encounters. Recently, I had the opportunity to meet a few people who feel possessed by ghosts and believe these entities are ruining their lives. A few days ago, I was in my village for my cousin’s wedding. I used to discuss ghost stories with him and my other cousin, and they shared some fascinating tales about ghosts in their village.

They mentioned a place where people who believe they are possessed go to seek relief. After the wedding, I asked my cousin to take me to this place, which was about 5 kilometers from the village. We navigated narrow paths, observed the picturesque village life, and finally arrived at the location where people come to be freed from ghosts. It was the tomb of a Muslim baba who had passed away many years ago. Locals believe that this baba had supernatural powers to combat ghosts and that he can still help even after death.

There were two tombs: a small one and a large one. We visited the small tomb first. I was told that Thursday is a special day for this place, attracting more visitors, although I’m not sure why Thursday is significant. Since it was Friday, I hoped there wouldn’t be many people. However, I was shocked to find about 30 families who had set up temporary shelters there. I noticed that these shelters lacked basic amenities like stoves or beds; people cooked outside and slept under the open sky. The temporary shelters were used mainly in case of rain. As I walked around the tomb, I encountered several distressing sights. I saw three people chained to a tree.

I approached one of them and sat nearby. Another man sitting there invited me to join him, and fortunately, he began explaining what was happening. He described his great distress due to ghosts. He explained that he had come there with his brother, who was also chained to a tree. The brother used to work as a tailor in Mumbai, while his brother worked in a factory in Ludhiana. One day, his sister-in-law called, reporting that her husband was behaving strangely and would not come home. He was exhibiting odd behaviors, making strange noises, and so on.

His condition seemed to suggest possession by ghosts to his brother, who instructed his sister-in-law to bring him to their village immediately. This man left his job in Mumbai to care for his brother. When I asked how he knew his brother was possessed, he claimed to have supernatural powers and experience with such matters. Upon arriving in the village, they took the possessed person to the tomb. The person resisted staying there and would often try to escape, which led them to chain him to the tree. He said his brother was haunted by several types of ghosts: one was an Aghori, another a Chamar, and others of different castes.

He explained that he inferred this from his brother’s actions, such as drinking his own urine (indicative of an Aghori) and spitting in his food or tearing his clothes (which he associated with a Chamar’s behavior). The final confirmation came from his conversation with the baba, whose tomb was there. I was puzzled when he mentioned speaking with the baba, as I knew the baba had died years ago. I asked him again, and he indicated the tomb, leading me to believe he was referring to one of the people present. My cousin clarified that he was talking about the baba whose tomb was there. According to him, after praying at the tomb, the baba communicates through the people’s tongues.

The baba never appears in person; instead, he allegedly possesses individuals and speaks through them. It was astonishing to hear such beliefs. The idea that the baba speaks through possessed individuals was difficult to grasp, but I continued to listen. I asked if he had ever been attacked by ghosts himself, and he loudly claimed that ghosts had continuously tried to attack him. However, because he also possessed some supernatural abilities, they could not harm him. He recounted an incident where, while riding his bicycle, he fell and broke his head after being struck by a ghost.

When I asked if he saw the ghost, he said no, but he believed it was a ghost due to the nature of the incident, which felt different from a mere accident. We then returned to his brother, and the affected person’s wife arrived with their six-month-old child, questioning her husband about who had inflicted the ghost upon him. I heard the affected person mention a name, but his wife disagreed, arguing that the person named was not capable of causing such problems. She insisted that he must provide the correct name and said they would keep him chained until he did. It seemed they had a specific name in mind and wanted it confirmed through the affected person’s responses. The affected person’s brother claimed the ghost was making him lie.

I asked the brother if his sibling felt any better since arriving at the tomb. He confidently stated that the baba’s help had significantly improved his brother’s condition after two months of confinement. It was distressing to think of a young man, around 26-27 years old, being locked up for two months. The brother also lamented the financial and time losses due to the ghost. He had left his job two months ago and was now financially depleted, yet he was determined to remain and fight the ghost. I was deeply troubled by the destruction of lives due to such beliefs. The sight of the six-month-old baby was particularly heartbreaking.

I suggested that they should consider seeing a doctor, but the brother proudly insisted that if his brother had a mental problem, he would be open to seeing a doctor. However, he believed that the problem was indeed ghostly and not a mental issue, as confirmed by the baba. It is hard to believe that such beliefs persist in the 21st century. I was even more saddened by the presence of numerous children who had been living there with their families for months. I wondered how these experiences might affect their future, as they might grow up to seek out exorcists or visit tombs themselves.

After speaking with the affected person, I walked around and saw two others also chained to trees. I wanted to speak with their families but found only a few children playing nearby. Many others were present, making strange noises, some talking to trees, walls, or even rubbing their bodies on the ground and screaming. It was disheartening to see so many people wasting their lives in this way. I decided to visit the second tomb, about 2 kilometers away from the first. The situation there was similar but seemed more organized, with some convenience stores nearby.

I witnessed an intriguing incident where a person, seemingly possessed, fainted, and his family made him drink Coca-Cola. After drinking, he seemed rejuvenated and resumed his activities, which humorously suggested that even ghosts might have a taste for Coca-Cola. As it was getting late and I needed to return to Varanasi, I left the place feeling both shocked and saddened. After returning to Benares, I spoke with several people, many of whom also believed in ghosts. Some explained that there are 8.4 million forms of life, including ghosts, and that everyone becomes a ghost at some point. Others described ghosts as having both good and bad varieties, with the bad ones causing trouble.

One friend told me a story about a haunted village where ghosts supposedly urinate or defecate on food left out overnight and create disturbances while the resident sleeps. Another story involved a ghost who smokes beedis in a locked room, with people providing beedis when the ghost knocks. They believe the beedis are consumed by the ghost despite the room being locked. I read an article about an English ghost in Bihar, believed to be a British soldier who wanders his cemetery. People offer him toast, coffee, and cigarettes, and if they forget, he reportedly harms passersby. The ghost is described as appearing as a British soldier with a sword.

Some people believe that ghosts arise from unnatural deaths or improper death rites, which seems unfair to me. I spoke with Aghoris, who suggested that while ghosts might exist, they usually do not bother others unless provoked. I prefer this perspective over the fear of ghosts. I often think about ghosts due to their frequent mention in my society. While many are afraid of ghosts, I am more concerned about street dogs or police behavior at night. My friends have mentioned the concept of “flashbacks,” where one might see or hear things that aren’t actually there.

This phenomenon, which I’ve experienced myself, can be mistaken for ghostly activity. If it persists, seeing a doctor is advisable, though many attribute it to ghosts and seek out exorcists or babas, often at great personal cost. I am considering creating a video documenting individuals who believed they were possessed by ghosts, only to find relief through medical treatment, in hopes of helping others reconsider their approach. I’m unsure if this idea will be effective, but I would like to pursue it if my resources permit.

Newly born girl child thrown on the street

Posted on by
Reply

Neetu is a sixteen-year-old girl who lives with one of my relatives in Mau district. Her story begins tragically: she was abandoned in a heap of garbage near the Mau railway station shortly after birth. Despite her desperate cries, no one stepped forward to help her. Fortunately, a relative of mine saw Neetu and couldn’t bear to leave her behind. He picked her up from the garbage and took her to his home. Upon arriving home, he showed Neetu to his wife, who was initially furious. She was already overwhelmed with their seven children—two daughters and five sons—and was not inclined to take on another child.

However, her husband argued that leaving Neetu in the garbage could mean certain death at the hands of an animal. They were initially unsure of Neetu’s gender, mistakenly thinking she was a male baby. When his wife discovered Neetu was a girl, her distress grew, worrying about the future dowry for her marriage. Nevertheless, they eventually decided to keep her. Now, at sixteen years old, Neetu has completed her 10th grade with good marks. My aunt, who had grown fond of Neetu, passed away a few years ago, leaving my uncle to care for her. My uncle, now elderly and retired, is largely neglected by his other children who live far away.

He is fully dependent on Neetu and is proud of his decision to keep her in the family. However, he is deeply concerned about her future, particularly her marriage. He has been searching for a groom for Neetu but has faced repeated rejection. The issue is not her character or education but the stigma associated with her origins. When potential suitors learn that Neetu was found in the garbage, they refuse to marry her. Neetu is being judged and rejected for circumstances beyond her control. My uncle’s dilemma is further compounded by the conservative and male-dominated nature of society in Mau. Despite his willingness to consider even an inter-caste groom, the stigma remains a significant barrier.

In Indian society, where boys are often prioritized over girls, Neetu’s situation highlights the deep-seated gender biases. The preference for male children leads to the tragic reality of female infanticide and the societal pressures faced by families with daughters. There are instances where people are criticized for having only daughters, facing scorn and ridicule, and there is an outdated belief that only males should perform certain rituals, such as carrying a body to the cremation ground. However, times are slowly changing.

I’ve heard of cases where daughters have defied tradition and performed last rites for their fathers, despite the initial shock it may cause. This shift indicates that attitudes are evolving, even if slowly. Hinduism, in its teachings, places women in high regard, but societal practices often fall short of these ideals. I remain hopeful that one day society will overcome these discriminatory attitudes, and girls like Neetu will not face such unjust barriers. I wish Neetu finds happiness and a loving partner, and I hope that the future will see a more equitable treatment of all children, regardless of their gender or circumstances of birth.

Negotiation of dowry

Posted on by
1

It was the first time in my life that I heard a family discussing their son’s marriage in such a transactional manner. My neighbor, whose son lives in Delhi after completing his 12th grade studies, is keen to get him married soon. The groom’s mother and grandmother visited our home to inquire if there were any suitable girls in our family. They spoke with my mother about the marriage, and my mother knew a few families looking to marry off their daughters.

The groom is only 26 years old and still a student, pursuing a computer degree. They requested a dowry of Rs. 10,00,000 (US$25,000) in cash, along with household items such as a refrigerator, washing machine, TV, music system, and a bike. Their exact words to my mother were, “We deserve to get back what we have invested in our child’s education.” Hearing a family speak in this way was shocking. It didn’t feel like a marriage proposal; it felt more like a business transaction where they expected a return on their investment with added profit. My mother decided not to consider any of her relatives for this family.

Rs. 10,00,000 is a significant amount for a middle-class Indian family. Most people cannot save such a sum in their entire lives. Furthermore, there is no guarantee that after paying this amount, the groom’s side won’t ask for more. Typically, greedy families continue to demand additional dowry even after the marriage. It’s horrifying to hear about brides being killed over dowry disputes. How can anyone kill a family member over money?

Another issue arises from the competition between sons-in-law. For instance, if a father has two daughters, he is expected to pay the same dowry for both. One of my friends has four brothers. The eldest got married about four years ago, and the second brother married about two years ago. The second brother received a bike as dowry, which the eldest had not. Consequently, the elder brother started pressuring his wife to ask her father for a bike, resulting in her father having to provide additional cash even after four years of marriage.

My cousin also wants a car for his marriage. He works at a travel agency and earns only Rs. 6,000 per month, which isn’t enough to cover the costs of petrol and maintenance for a car, yet he insists on having one. While there are NGOs that organize dowry-free marriages, they are still not widely known or practiced. Dowry remains a major factor contributing to the declining sex ratio in India. Although there are cultural issues at play, they are not as pervasive as the dowry system. I hope to see change in my lifetime, but I’m not sure if it will happen.

Rinki’s good heart and her marriage

Posted on by
Reply

Rinki, my uncle’s daughter, is now 25 years old. Her father has been searching for a groom for the past two years, but finding a match has been challenging. The primary issue is that Rinki had heart valve surgery a few years ago. Despite the fact that she was treated by one of the most renowned doctors in India, who has confirmed that she is in excellent health now, prospective grooms and their families have been hesitant. They are concerned that Rinki might still be unwell or could face future health issues. My uncle has made considerable efforts, approaching numerous families through his own connections, but to no avail.

He is even willing to offer dowry if needed, but no one agrees. My father also tried to find a groom for Rinki in Varanasi. A friend of his recommended a relative who has a Master’s degree in Astrology and works with his father, an astrologer. Initially, everything seemed promising. The groom’s family did not believe in dowry and appeared very accommodating. After meeting with them and discussing the proposal, my father took a photo of the groom to show our family. Everyone liked him, and the decision now rested on Rinki’s approval. My father informed Rinki’s father, who then traveled to Varanasi to meet the groom’s family.

He also liked the groom and agreed to the match. I was asked to send the groom’s photo to my brother in Noida, where Rinki is currently living, so she could see it and give her opinion. Given Rinki’s shy nature and the history of rejections she has faced, I knew she would likely not express any disapproval, even if she had reservations. Rinki did not view the photo but expressed her willingness to marry the groom chosen by her father. We also sent Rinki’s photo and her Kundali (horoscope) to the groom’s side. Everyone was excited about the wedding, which was planned for February.

My mother inquired about what gifts we would give Rinki, and the family was preparing to come to Varanasi for wedding shopping. Everyone was enthusiastic and hopeful. However, today we received disappointing news: the groom’s family has canceled the marriage. They claimed that Rinki is not as educated as the groom, which seemed like an unreasonable excuse. The groom holds a Master’s degree in Astrology, while Rinki has a Bachelor’s degree in Arts. The educational difference is minimal, and Rinki is still young and willing to pursue further education.

The cancellation was disheartening and left me feeling deeply saddened. It’s frustrating when educated people use such excuses, and it makes me question our society’s values. Repeated rejections can make Rinki feel like a burden to her family and cause her to doubt her worth, which is unfair. This situation highlights broader issues within our male-dominated and often uneducated society. It is distressing to see women’s rights continually violated and to witness the immense pressure placed on girls in small towns and villages. They are often presented as mere commodities in the marriage market, subjected to judgments about their appearance and perceived worth, and pressured into dowry arrangements that their families cannot afford.

Our sex ratio in 2001 was 933 girls for every 1,000 boys, and the imbalance continues to worsen. The future seems uncertain, and it is disheartening to think about how long it will take for girls and boys to have equal rights and opportunities.